Lets recap (and for time sake we will just touch the surface here).. Another year wasted on a failed relationship, a near fatal car accident, a completely stagnant career, getting robbed, and the most painfully recent event; the sudden loss of my best friend, a two year old pup named Watson.
I often dabble through the circumstances and trials of my life and find some silly metaphor that makes even the worst case scenario seem hopelessly inspirational and some-what tolerable. On this day I was struggling on all counts. I was not only feeling extreme sorrow for myself I also felt estranged from the person I used to be.
As I looked down at my cell phone it lit up with what may have been the toughest blow yet. "Do yourself a favor and leave this town before it kills you." As I read those words my eyes filled up with tears. I pulled over into an empty parking lot across from Appalachian State. I was in this moment as fragile as I believe myself to have ever been. I felt as though the very last piece of silly inspiration and determination had been swiftly kicked out from under me. My will and determination that I transform into an iron clad bridge of steal for the world to perceive was suddenly exposed for what it truly was a shaky, rotten balance beam of high hopes. I cried and gasped for air quite historically. I was putting on quite a show inside my little black Corolla. I laid my head on the steering wheel and considered all of my options, quit, leave, cuss the person who just crushed me, call Dad, or just wipe my face and carry on to Bristol. I looked at my face in the rear view mirror and shook my head at the babbling mess I had quickly become.
Per the usual AP, I wiped my face and carried on to Bristol. I had no real answer to anything other than for the first time in my life I felt like Waldo minus the awesome scarf. Just plain lost. Lost.. not geographically, I knew how to get to Bristol, but metaphorically, I felt lost. I’ve always known where I was going with my career, my love life, my sanity.. knowing or at least pretending to know all those things gave me confidence. In the recent months I find myself going to bed with a great big question mark on my mind and in my heart. No real answer to anything. Even I don’t know where I am or what I am doing with myself most days. I’m over here, bumblefucking around on the daily, just going through the motions of life. I even credit my recent insomnia to this bumblefucking. One of my mentors is aware of my current state of Waldo and he has encouraged me to continue to blog. So, here it is.. a blog with no real ending to it. Other than the creation of a very new, fun, word: “bumblefucking.*”
But rest easy, I am trying to feel inspired and dig myself out of this horrible funk of misfortune, that I have found myself in. Contrary to some nay-sayers, this town is not killing me. Its teaching me a big life lesson and once I know what that is, blogging and not sucking at life will be much easier.
“To invent your own life's meaning is not easy, but it's still allowed, and I think you'll be happier for the trouble.”
― Bill Watterson
*this term is now liscenced by Ashley Parlett and may only be used with written permission